Ten years of marriage (feelings of ten years of marriage)
In 2020, I have been in love with my husband for 14 years, married for 10 years, and my love remains the same as before. I seldom quarrel, there are always conflicts, but they are always resolved well, reach a consensus, and get closer than before.
We always feel that no one in this world is more suitable for us than another. This may be the result of the original choice, and more, it is the result of years of running-in training with each other.
Why is life like seeing it for the first time, but never gets tired of it?
It is said that marriage will eventually become dull, and love will eventually become family affection, numbness, and unconsciousness. *** and enthusiasm have been ground into chicken nuggets and chicken feathers by trivial life. When people reach middle age, too many people go their separate ways, and the divorce rate increases year by year. Too many people who can persist in going on exist in name only, completely separated from each other. So they lamented that “before the car and horse were slow to love only one person”, and complained about the reality of society and the impetuousness of people’s hearts..
I don’t know, these things all come from one thing – mentality, that is, heart . Both Wang Yangming’s Theory of Mind and Kazuo Inamori’s “Heart” mentioned that everything about you comes from your heart. The way you see the world makes your world look like it.
So, don’t be negative, don’t be lazy, don’t make excuses, don’t follow others, follow your heart, do it, change it, and manage it.
1. The problem of choosing a spouse (depending on the person)
Life is the result of countless choices, and we are also faced with countless choices every day. These choices make the difference between people. We have different “worlds” even though we live in the same world. According to statistics, there are five major choices in life, and choosing a spouse must be the most important choice, which is tantamount to reincarnation twice. Choosing the right person will make all aspects of your life go well, while choosing the wrong person will not only overwhelm you, but may even cost you your life!
Of course, some people will say that as long as you are strong enough, you can be happy with anyone, but establishing a good intimate relationship with the right person will double your happiness and make you less troubled ,Why not do it?
So what do you look at when choosing a mate?
Minglan once said a word in “Knowledge”: When you get along with others, you will eventually rely on a lower level, and your character will be lower. It is the truest form of a person.
If a person has a high moral bottom line, he will not do many things, such as cheating, being selfish, insulting others with vicious words, belittling others behind his back, taking advantage of others, Taking bribes etc. They are very principled and have high requirements for their own self-discipline. Despite their sleek and complex exterior, their interiors are clear and square.
Of course, character also includes many aspects, such as integrity, kindness, bravery, honesty, trustworthiness, tolerance, intelligence, and diligence, which is what the ancients called “benevolence, righteousness, propriety, wisdom, and faith” . Maybe it can’t be so perfect, and the requirements can’t be so high. at least you have to knowWhat is the most unacceptable moral bottom line for you?
For example, what I can’t accept the most is the issue of integrity. I can accept the harshest truths, white lies, and things I can’t do. These criteria are one of my criteria and requirements for choosing a role. I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that once I touch them, I will never forgive them. This is a high voltage line.
It should also be mentioned here that personality is closely related to the family environment, so children will not be much different from their parents. As the saying goes, “A dragon begets a dragon and a phoenix, and the son of a mouse can make holes.” Family education is the starting point of character education.
This is mainly the difference in academic qualifications. In many cases, differences in academic qualifications mean differences in knowledge reserves, learning attitudes, and learning abilities, and these differences will bring many contradictions in the future.
Different knowledge reserves bring about the question of whether we can talk together; differences in learning attitudes lead to problems in children’s education; differences in learning abilities bring about whether we can make progress and grow together question.
Educational qualifications cannot represent everything, but academic qualifications are a stepping stone to class breakthrough, the right to choose the nature of work, a breakthrough in thinking mode, the starting point of the next generation of excellent genes, and a better basis for judging potential stocks.
There is no good or bad personality, but there are flaws. Whether the character is suitable or not depends mainly on whether you can tolerate his character flaws.
For example, if you are introverted and don’t like to talk, it will make your sensitive partner feel unresponsive, and thus become neurotic, even hysterical.
Personality has two sides, extroversion may be noisy at the same time; simple may be childish at the same time, brave may be reckless at the same time, rational may be scheming at the same time…
At the same time, Be prepared to accept the negative, think clearly, don’t think about perfection, let alone change a person’s character!
Interests are not necessarily compatible, common hobbies can also be cultivated, but people without hobbies cannot make friends!
If you want to be healthy physically and mentally, you must resolutely put an end to pornography. Smoking, drinking, and playing games all depend on the degree of addiction. Better of course is like sports and reading. Otherwise, traveling, eating, singing, dancing, drawing, watching movies are fine. The key is that the more your interests and hobbies overlap, the more you will understand each other, and you will have more common topics in the future. These are the ripples of the rest of your life, like a pool of stagnant water.
5. Three views
There are many differences between the three views, which will be discovered little by little in daily life. What needs to be noted here is that if love emphasizes “how to do it”, then the Three Views emphasizes – what to think!
Yes, looking at a person’s three views is not to look at what he does, but to look at his thoughts and opinions, so that he can tell his true thoughts!
For example, before marriage, a boy always gives you giftsGifts, flowers, breakfast, red envelopes, all kinds of details impress you. You thought he satisfied all your imaginations about love, but after getting married, he was a different person. You lament that the person who captures you with details finally blames you for forcing him with details, he is tired!
What’s the problem?
The problem is that everything he does is not what he wants to do, or what he thinks he should be doing. He just wants to please you and catch up with you, that’s all!
He believes that love does not need a sense of ritual, life is as plain as water, and marriage does not need to be managed, because love is family affection in the end, and there is no numb ****. Where do you need a romantic surprise? Might as well buy some pork belly.
You say roses are beautiful and symbolize love, but he says roses are expensive and vulgar. This is the difference between the three views.
The more differences between the three views, the more powerless you will feel. Because I can’t communicate and reach a consensus, I seem to be arguing about trivial matters every day. In fact, the underlying logic is caused by the huge differences in the three views. There are more and more irreconcilable contradictions, which cannot be resolved at all. Over time, chickens tell ducks, you are physically and mentally exhausted. In the end, it’s either make do or fall apart.
The true consistency of the three views is that there will always be a surprise of “soul resonance”, from the tacit understanding at the beginning, to the empathy that fully understands the other party’s feelings, the consistency of thought paths, the instant recognition, the real soul companion. Get along very comfortable, very at ease.
In fact, the most convenient way to see someone is to travel together once. You will eat together, relax and chat together, go for walks and climb mountains together. You can see too many things, and you can imagine how you will be together for the rest of your life.
The most important thing is that a person who decides to go for a lifetime, before making a decision, don’t look at how he treats you when he is good, but how he treats you when he is worst, no Look at his strengths, but see if you can accept his worst shortcomings. After the decision is made, it should be reversed. Don’t look at the bad things, look at the good points, remember the good things about you, be more tolerant and understanding, and less picky. Tragically, many people get the order reversed – before marriage, no matter what, the rules are not set. They expect to be able to exchange for better ones in the future, but after they get married, they are picky and picky. They don’t like it, they want this or that. What a ridiculous thing!
Finally, there are some reminders, such as whether the other party’s mood is stable, how to treat you when you are in a bad mood, and whether you can control your emotions, such as your attitude towards problems, how to solve them, and whether you have an independent mind , whether the thinking is clear. These are additional assessment items, and even have the effect of a veto.
Second, the running-in (training) problem
I read “Intimate Relationship” some time ago, and most of the views in the book agree, but Also partly my opinion based on my own situation.
The book says that needs come from yourself, you can satisfy them, and you don’t need to borrow from others. So what’s the point of intimacy if there’s no need for each other?
BookThe above also said that you should not try to change the other person to meet your expectations, because expectations will bring resentment. So, if there is no expectation, what is the purpose of your being with the other person? Because you love him? But the other person is complete and does not need your love. Imagine that the other person doesn’t need you to express your love. The other party has absolutely no expectations or demands on you. Do you feel that you are meaningless in front of him? There is no need to exist?
So I personally understand that what is wrong is not the other party’s needs, expectations or transformation, but a problem of moderation.
After all, needs and expectations come from the strengths and recognition of the other party, because you are attracted to them from the beginning, so there is no contradiction without much change.
The key is transformation. Transformation comes from shortcomings and dissatisfaction. Any transformation will have contradictions. Do you want to? After all, people are changing. If it can get better, the other party is also willing. Isn’t it the best of both worlds?
So the key is whether the other party is willing or not. The premise is to accept the other party’s advantages instead of staring at these shortcomings. This may be the basis of intimacy-seeing the advantages more, accepting the disadvantages, and changing moderately.
1. Adaptation of habits
Three views are difficult to change, because ideas are ideas, but habits can be changed, because actions are practices.
Many famous sayings tell us that thoughts determine actions, but in fact actions can also change thoughts. The answers to the future lie in our actions now. As long as you go out, you will naturally find a way out.
If you can’t figure it out, do it first!
Do it, you’ll figure it out!
All truth is hidden in practice.
The so-called running-in is actually this kind of mutual compromise between each other’s habits.
I am used to squeezing toothpaste from my tail, you are used to squeezing it at will. I’m used to cleaning the room every day, but you are used to cleaning once a week. I am used to going to bed early, but you are used to going to bed late. I am used to eating soy milk and fried dough sticks for breakfast, and you are used to eating bread and milk… There are countless conflicts of habits. what should I do? Someone has to compromise to change. The key is that this kind of compromise, tolerance, understanding, and change must be mutual. You can’t ask the other party to do everything according to your habits. Only when you do nothing can you truly feel the flow of love.
2. The running-in of communication (quarrel)
Why do some people get better when they are noisy, while others get hurt when they are louder, it can’t solve the problem, Finally broke up?
Fighting is an art.
First of all, the two are at odds. From the beginning to the end, one thing that cannot be forgotten is: what is the purpose? If you quarrel with the goal, you will naturally quarrel with the result, and you will not deviate too far from the topic. Many people quarrel, gossip, gossip, and finally forget why they are arguing. What’s more, I didn’t think about what kind of result to achieve, and I didn’t know the theme of the quarrel, just to vent my emotions, gossip, and make a mess!
Arguing is actually a very important way of communication, better face-to-face communication. Eyes, facial expressions, movements must beInteraction can achieve better results.
Finding the correct theme and purpose of the quarrel is the key to winning the quarrel and getting the result.
What is the right theme and purpose?
For example, once my husband’s younger sister got married, his parents asked my husband to pay the dowry without telling me. My husband set the amount without discussing it with me, and he only told me how much to give the day before the wedding. His sister’s marriage pissed me off, it reminded me of the injustice we had when we got married, and my hubby was even angrier. My husband knew I was angry and didn’t speak. The next day, he bought his own ticket and went home. I asked for my bank card before going back, but I still didn’t say anything.
Let’s analyze the topics that make me angry and can be used to quarrel:
Ask for three days off, usually work overtime until late at night, and only take one day off a week. My daughter and I are sick, and he rarely asks for leave;
For the dowry, this is what my brother should pay? So why didn’t my family give me anything?
My husband made this money without discussing it with me;
I said I would not go back, but he didn’t insist and went back by himself.
If you were me, how would you fight this battle? Where to cut in? Around what theme? What is the purpose?
My strategy is: firmly grasp the topic “When I have conflicts with others, did he choose me firmly?” They all firmly choose me and stand by me, even if I am wrong!
Are you confused? How do these things relate to this topic? Don’t worry, let’s analyze it slowly.
Question 1: Three days off. I usually work overtime until late at night. I only take one day off a week. My daughter and I are sick and he rarely takes time off.
“Why do you have to take three days off to attend your sister’s wedding? She usually works overtime every day and never has time to accompany me?”
“I only have one older sister. She is married Shouldn’t I go back?”
This argument is important because he’s on leave, so his sister is more important than me! However, he will argue that once I hung up ***, he also asked for leave, and this time is his sister’s wedding, for the sake of emotion and reason, he should go back. Look, is it a dead end? It’s unreasonable to continue arguing! But you just don’t feel well. what should you do?
Try to quote the theme of “I have conflicts with others, but you are not firm in choosing me”: Your sister is getting married, and you have to take time off to attend. Conflict with me? There was no conflict, but I was angry, sad, even disturbed. Is it urgent and important? Your sister’s wedding is also an urgent and important matter. Why did you leave me and go by yourself?
Why am I angry and sad? Did you ask? Is comfort resolved? You didn’t say anything!
It’s your time management problem that makes me so angry and sad-it’s important or not to be with me at ordinary times, it’s important or not urgent to be with me when I’m sick,Your sister’s marriage is important but not urgent, and there are many unimportant but urgent things at work, or important but not urgent things. Is there a unified judgment and practice on these things? If you can always do important and non-urgent things, there won’t be so many urgent things?
Question 2: Should the elder brother pay for the dowry? So why didn’t my family give me anything?
“Should the dowry be given?”
“Shouldn’t you come out? My parents have no money! I didn’t quit. Who is out?”
There’s no point in arguing like this, and it seems like I’m not being reasonable. The key to this question is not whether the dowry is reasonable, but fair. Your parents showed nothing when we got married. Why are we showing our sister when she gets married? Are parents fair? Have you considered how I feel? Have you considered how I feel?
Combined with the theme “I have conflicts with others, but you have not chosen me firmly”. Yes, this conflict was caused by injustice. My grievances are caused by your parents, but because you don’t understand and support me, it becomes even more wronged. do i care about money I don’t care about your attitude!
Question 3: Earn this money without consulting me.
There is nothing to say about this, it is disrespectful. Not only did he disrespect himself, he also disrespected me in front of his family. Although I am in charge of the family’s money, I will discuss major and minor matters before making decisions. This respect is mutual.
Question 4: I said I couldn’t go back, but he didn’t insist and went back by himself.
This is the core of the whole incident. Maybe you didn’t realize that this is the most important thing at the beginning, but after analyzing it, you will understand that this problem is the most serious!
“Why did you go back alone?”
“In that case, you won’t go back, then I can only go back by myself…”
” Don’t you have a wife and children? If I get married this time and go back alone, is there anything I need to go back with my daughter?”
“No, I asked you before, and you said you don’t want to go back, Then you got angry, and I dare not let you go back together.”
“If I say no, you won’t insist anymore? Why don’t I go back? Because I have emotions, knots in my heart, and you have Didn’t try to understand and solve it?”
“Even if I really don’t go back to Youyou Resource Network, why don’t you have the courage to say that you want to go back together, or don’t Go back together, we are a family? Why don’t you have the courage to stand with me? Do you think I will really not let you go back? Am I such an unreasonable person? All I want is your attitude. I You will choose my attitude without hesitation! The attitude of advancing together and retreating together! You left me and my daughter today and went back by yourself. Look at what this is telling others that we have conflicts. Even if you give up, we will go back and change. That face. For that reason, you choose the reason, so I don’t make sense. I don’t make sense, you are bright, I am dark. You not only left us, but also despised me from the moral high ground! “
Do you see the problem? No matter who I am in conflict with, my parents and sisters, my schedule, or my morals, he has not firmly chosen me. This is what makes me angry and sad the most , was also the core of my quarrel (talk) after he came back from the wedding.
During the whole quarrel (talk) process, I did not stand against his family or his sister, but emphasized his love for me Attitude and concern for me. I don’t have any conflicts with his family, and I don’t care about his family’s attitude towards me, let alone money. I only care about his attitude.
No. Three, marriage (self-cultivation) issues
After the sweet period, the running-in period (power struggle period), and then the mature partner period, not all marriages can enter the mature period, but whether they can enter the mature period, The key lies in the cultivation of personal cultivation and xinxing.
Everyone’s marriage has various problems, and one kind of problem is very special. These problems cannot be solved, and can only be accepted by changing the mentality , That is, self-cultivation.
What is one of the reactions of loving someone? It is inferiority!
Inferiority in love will bring us two reactions, one is humble: Ingratiating, self-doubting, overwhelmed, lost; the other is bravado: short-tempered, aggressive, constantly pushing people to make sure they don’t leave.
Everyone goes through this stage to some extent , but how long you will stay, sometimes depends on the attitude of the other party towards you, and more often depends on your personal cultivation. If you happen to be bluffed and your personal cultivation is not enough, then these two people may not be able to leave for the rest of your life Out of this pattern. One is blatant, and the other is Nuonuo’s vassal, but in fact they both love each other in their hearts!
It is necessary to practice in personal feelings, but it will also go astray , go to extremes. For example, the originally humble party realizes the problem, changes his mentality, but becomes resistant, indifferent, selfish, despises everything, and even no longer believes in love, thinking it is loving himself and being happy, but often On the surface, the heart is almost swallowed by loneliness, so I am more conceited, self-deceiving, independent and strong, sick, waking up in the middle of the night, drunk, or a warm word from others. After all, people are social animals, and they need to establish close relationships with others to gain Happiness. They can indeed give themselves a sense of security, but this is completely different from the sense of security given by others. The sense of security given by others has more recognition and firmness, which is irreplaceable.
Happiness is A kind of ability, not the spirit of self-comfort. The attitude of happiness is positive, not negative; happiness is to do it yourself, to guide, rather than waiting for others to give; What, rather than knowing who you want to be and what you want; happiness is a blessing in disguise, and it is not a fear of getting your shoes wet in the sun and rain.
The real self-cultivation is to face it calmly gains and losses, do everything calmlyThings that can satisfy fate, calmly deal with complicated and trivial things, prudently argue with anyone, self-respect and self-love, neither humble nor overbearing, accept love and give love, dare to express your own needs, and meet the needs of others. You can feel your own growth and value, and the value you bring to the other person. As a result, the other party becomes more and more inseparable from you.
Rivals holding hands on sparkling background.
After ten years of marriage, I am constantly practicing. Many things, different positions and angles will bring different feelings. There are a few more things. Guiding and showing weakness can bring unexpected results. Everything depends on oneself. Everything is caused by the “heart”, and there is nothing outside the heart. I admire Wang Yangming’s mind. I believe that to be a human being is to seek inwardly, to return, to be first to the Lord, to have a conscience, and to have unity of knowledge and action.
We all have a good teacher side, and we all have the urge to change each other, but we often exhaust each other physically and mentally. It’s better to change the angle, understand each other, accept, appreciate, and guide each other, so that the other party becomes more comfortable and more confident. Remember, it is not grievance, but real understanding, acceptance, appreciation, two mentalities, two states, and two effects. One is self-consumption.
I used to suffer for a long time because my husband couldn’t accompany me because he worked overtime. At the beginning, I also persuaded myself that a middle-aged man would not be able to hold me when he picked up a brick, and he would not be able to support me when he put down a brick. Later, I finally figured out one thing. Any action is the product of thinking, and any emotion is the slave of thinking, so thinking must be the most important. In fact, thinking can be subverted, provided that I constantly reflect on my own thinking logic. Many times, my thinking is self-interested, which means that I can’t help but maintain thinking that is beneficial to me. Many times, I am constrained by my own assumptions and deduction, but I have to look at things from a different angle, change my position, think from the perspective of the other party, and dialectically think about how my thinking comes from, whether it is reasonable or not. The most obvious result is intimacy. For example, my husband works overtime. Egoism tells me that he cannot work overtime often. Working overtime is definitely not enough to love me. Not having time for me will definitely affect my married life. This is not the life I want, so I often quarrel. But after changing his mind, does working overtime mean that he doesn’t love me? Does not having time for me really make a big difference? Why does he have to accompany me? What kind of life do I want? What is his purpose of working overtime? Can fighting solve the problem? What does nagging lead to?
The result of dialectical thinking is that “you won’t love me if you work overtime” is deduced by myself, but it is not true. Since it is not true, it will not affect our feelings. When we have time, we can communicate with each other well, cherish our love, and share together to reach consensus. When we don’t have time to be together, we are busy with our own business, growing and cultivating ourselves, and preparing for the next meeting. Every expectation, every good memory.
Of course, the foundation of all this is self-confidence and trust, and it also comes from self-discipline to make yourself trustworthy and give the other party enough sense of security. This is the result of long-term accumulation, and it is also the result of self-growth, self-identity, and fulfillment.Reflect the results of self-worth.
There is no perfect person in the world, and there is no perfect marriage. The purpose of cultivation is to accept these imperfections!
I can live in a rental house with you, but I know we won’t be like this forever;
I can forgive your mistakes, but I won’t allow the same thing to happen The second time;
We can quarrel, but we can’t say hurtful words, don’t involve the past, don’t sleep on the bed, don’t be perfunctory. We must solve the problem thoroughly, and stop talking about it once it is solved.
We can have friends, careers, and relatives, but we will always put each other first, and always consider each other’s feelings;
We can ask each other’s requirements, but we can’t have a sense of dedication, and we can’t There are “shoulds” for yourself, but you cannot have “shoulds” for the other party. What we can do is voluntary, without dependence, without waiting;
We can say that the other party is not good, but we will never allow others to say no, even our own parents. We will solve problems in private and never let any third party interfere with our affairs.
We all have to grow up, but allow each other to be a child in front of us. We can do whatever we want, act coquettishly and willfully, be ourselves comfortably, respect each other, and give each other space and freedom. We are independent individuals, but we can always feel that the other party is by our side, never leaving.
Periodical summaries will always bring growth and harvest, and you can also feel the sense of value you give to the other party. Both have learned a lot from each other and gained a lot. After ten years of marriage, you discover more and more advantages in the other party, and fall in love with each other again and again. This is a better love!