Are you still talking about LGBT discoloration? Do you know the meaning of the rainbow flag? Regarding homosexual love, are you or your friends experiencing, or what kind of views do you have?
According to sociological estimates, homosexuals account for 3%-5% of the total population, and there may be more than 50 million homosexuals in my country. With the development of society and the openness of people’s ideas, young people generally have a high degree of acceptance of homosexuality, but unfortunately, the views of parents and elders are still conservative. The mainland has not yet legally recognized same-sex partnerships, and the mainstream media has spoken out Also narrower.
The reason for saying this is to tell friends who are currently in homosexual love that the intolerance of the general environment to you will more or less bring you a certain amount of pressure and burden, which is actually quite normal It is indeed easy to become a hidden danger that destroys intimacy.
So when your partner expresses to you some thoughts such as “we have no future” and “we have no possibility”, to a large extent it is not that the other party does not love you enough, but that she is under objective pressure. Doing a catharsis of negative emotions. We are all human, and it is normal to have emotions. What you have to do at this time is to help the other person vent this emotion, and it is definitely not to block her venting outlet.
Everyone has heard the story of Dayu’s flood control. Emotions are like water flow. The more blocked it becomes, the more it floods. It is easier to vent negative emotions in time, but it is easier to inject new positive emotions in the later stage.
As far as the current general environment is concerned, the biggest factor affecting the relationship between homosexuals is often three words: a sense of security. In fact, whether it is a homosexual or a heterosexual couple, external factors can only shake the relationship. The reason that really determines whether a relationship can continue to develop is internal factors, that is, a balanced state of the relationship between two people.
As we often say, there are two obstacles that cause the other party to feel insecure:
●Native family and growth environment
Let me talk about the impact of these two factors on feelings in detail.
1. The original family and growth environment determine a person’s attachment type
Psychology believes that each person’s early interpersonal experience (such as the interaction with parents in infancy, the communication with teachers in the childhood growth environment, etc.) will affect the way he interacts with others later.This is what we often refer to as the attachment type.
According to the two dimensions of “abandonment anxiety” and “intimacy avoidance”, psychological experts divide attachment patterns into four types: secure, obsessive, alienated, and fearful.
In fact, many people who lack a sense of security are very typical alienated attachment personalities. Since she failed to get enough companionship and response from her parents during her infancy, she essentially avoided intimacy, that is, she did not believe that intimacy really existed, and at the same time she did not have any expectations for intimacy.
This is why she can show a very decisive attitude after breaking up. Even if you cry and beg in front of her, you still can’t impress her, because she has closed her heart. To put it bluntly, she opened up the defense mechanism called “avoidance” in her heart.
Actually, this type of person is not unable to feel anxiety or pressure, but she chooses to protect herself with a cold and indifferent attitude, so as to avoid being hurt by anxiety and pressure, so you want to restore the A partner with a detached attachment personality must first break through her psychological barrier. If you can’t break through this barrier, the so-called self-worth display and attractiveness enhancement are just scratching the surface and meaningless.
2. Long-distance relationships exacerbate the lack of security
What are the threatening factors of long-distance love that bring crisis to the relationship? Still a sense of security. It is no exaggeration to say that out of ten long-distance relationships, nine broke up because of a sense of security. This is also one of the reasons why many people turn pale when they mention a different place when they are in a relationship.
So why do long-distance relationships make people feel insecure? One of the biggest reasons is that the different places have brought about the asymmetry of information between the two of you.
Due to the limitations of time and space, you can only communicate with each other through mobile phones. Once you hang up the phone, it is not too much to say that the other party has disappeared from your life.
Give me the simplest example: You go out in the morning and feel that the weather is good today, so you take a photo and send it to the other party, but the other party is in a meeting, and it is already evening when the other party replies to you, and you have already lost the morning The feeling of wanting to share with the other party;
Or if you go shopping and eat delicious food, no matter how happy you are, you can’t share it with the other party immediately. You can only tell the other party on the phone, “I will take you to eat next time we meet”.
These things that are very rare and common in the eyes of other couples become very difficult when it comes to long-distance relationships. The asymmetry of information will infinitely lengthen the battle between two people.And during this period, even a slight unstable factor will become the fuse of the breakdown of the relationship.
In addition, the other party I mentioned above belongs to the alienated attachment type, and the double lack of security led to the final result of breaking up. To be honest, this result is actually expected.
Knowing the deep-seated reasons why the other party broke up, let’s talk about what you should do to restore this relationship in the face of this situation.
1. Self-emotional counseling and cognitive adjustment
First of all, I have actually met many homosexual friends who came to me for advice on emotional reconciliation. I found that most of the people who came to me were very easy to fall into a state of self-paranoia. This may have nothing to do with the channel Too little does matter.
Because an ordinary heterosexual loses a relationship, he will find a channel to vent his negative emotions relatively easily. Friends and family are all the objects he can confide in.
But homosexuals are different. Let’s not talk about whether they have disclosed their sexual orientation. Even if they do, they are generally not willing to talk to others, because few people around them have experienced their emotions. It is difficult to understand a true feeling in his heart.
At the same time, this also brings about a problem, that is, the person involved is particularly prone to be immersed in his own negative emotions, unable to get out of it, and no one can help him. In this state, it is basically impossible for you to get back together. is not very realistic. You can’t even control your own negative emotions, how can you guide the other person, right?
So here I will give you two small suggestions to help you manage your emotions and adjust your cognition:
●Choose a trustworthy person to confide in, or that sentence, emotions should be sparse rather than blocked
●By reading some related books on psychology and love, or seeking help from professionals, to achieve a mentality change
First adjust your own state, and then talk about saving the other party. This is the foundation and an indispensable link.
2. The establishment of a sense of security
The most important point in repairing an intimate relationship is to prescribe the right medicine to the case. If the other party feels that you are not fresh, you should increase your attractiveness;If you lose the sense of security, all you have to do is to help her get back the lost sense of security. This matter is difficult and easy to say.
Specifically, I suggest that it can be broken down into the following steps:
●Establish an effective communication mechanism
The first is the problem of unequal information brought by different places as I mentioned above. To make both parties more involved in this relationship, they need to have more interaction with each other. Effective communication is the fastest way to form a benign interaction. way.
Here, everyone can follow the principle of “three more and one less”: express more, share more, respect more, and suspect less.
For example, let’s say you broke up now, and you are faced with a dilemma where you don’t know how to break the deadlock. At this time, you can send a message like this to the other party:
“I never thought it was a mistake for us to be together, but I understand your pressure. Although I am very sad, I respect your decision to separate, but you also know how much I love you. I really can’t get out, let’s be friends again during this time, I won’t pester you, and when I calm down slowly, I won’t disturb your life in the future.”
Express your thoughts, share your attitude towards this matter, respect the decision and facts of the other party’s separation, and hint that the other party will return to the ordinary friendship relationship, paving the way for the subsequent recovery.
●Meet the reasonable needs of the other party
There are many so-called “can’t see the future” in relationships. In fact, the subtext of the other party is “some of my needs have not been met”.
Maslow divided people’s needs into five categories. Similarly, the needs in intimate relationships also include a variety: the most basic sexual attraction, material needs, spiritual needs and so on. I have emphasized many times that the essence of intimacy is the exchange of resources. If you cannot understand and meet the deep-seated needs of the other party, the intimacy cannot be maintained for a long time.
So before talking about redemption, I suggest that you first figure out the other party’s emotional needs for this relationship. Don’t tell me that you don’t know or don’t know. Think back to the bits and pieces when you got along in the past. A person’s needs will penetrate into her life.
For example, when you are together, you often quarrel about spending money. You are usually extravagant and pay attention to instant pleasure, but the other party likes to plan carefully and always talk about small things. Then you should realize that your partner’s It is very likely that part of the sense of security is placed on a material basis.
Then what you have to do is to change your consumption concept, match her rhythm, relieve her material anxiety, and make up for her sense of security.
Of course, this is just an example I gave, because each relationship has its own particularity, and each person’s emotional needs are also different. Some people may need a material foundation, and some people want to be recognized and respected by the other party. , for some people, it is because the other party can keep up with the pace of their growth…
What I want to express is that in an intimate relationship, meeting the reasonable needs of the other party is the way to quickly gain a sense of security for the other party. Of course, here I also want to remind everyone that meeting the needs of the other party does not mean catering and obedience without a bottom line. Grasping the scale and doing what we can do is the correct recovery technique.
3. Guide the other party to restore the expectation of intimacy
As I said before, for people with avoidant attachment personality, their biggest problem is that they have no expectations for intimacy. She regains a sense of expectation for intimacy, so as long as you meet this expectation, her emotional connection with you will deepen.
How to guide it? In addition to satisfying her reasonable needs in the previous step, prompt her to generate new needs, which is what we often say, let her transfer her needs to you.
For example, for example, when you were together before, you were always addicted to games, and the other party failed to negotiate with you for many times and finally disappointed you, so you quit the game when you redeemed it, which means you are satisfied her needs. But you know that she usually likes to play the guitar. You went to sign up for a special class and showed her that you can learn guitar together in the future. This action is equivalent to guiding her to have further expectations of you.
Do you understand what it means? That is to say, in addition to understanding her basic needs, you also need to understand what she can be attracted to, pinpoint this attraction point and amplify it in yourself, and the other party will have an expectation for you and your relationship sense.
We say that a person’s attachment style is not static, it will continue to update with the increase of a person’s experience and experience, what you have to do is to guide her to change from avoidant attachment to secure attachment, so that you can Really save your relationship.
The last thing I want to tell you is that no matter how many people around you label homosexuality, it is you and your partner who really decide the direction of your relationship. The reason why you give up your love is that there is only one sexual orientation in this world, and that is what you want. No matter who you like, it is not surprising. What you have to do is to love boldly.
I am Koi, an emotional counselor, there is no one I can’t analyze. If you have emotional confusion, you can private message or comment for consultation.