Anxiety attachment conceals the fear of being abandoned by anxiety. People with anxiety attachment may be in the fear of being ignored or abandoned for a long time because their parents are insensitive to their own reaction in childhood, not persistent, or jet lag is good. How can love last? What are the precautions for falling in love? What should I do if I feel anxious in a love relationship?
1、 What to do if you feel anxious in a love relationship
How can love last? What are the precautions for falling in love? This fear is called primal emotion.
In order to protect ourselves from the original feelings, we may have so-called secondary feelings. Some people angrily protested and resisted, while others felt uneasy and sent out signals of dependence on their parents or resistance to ensure that the other party continued to care. Others show indifference and feel that they “don’t need you” to protect themselves.
When people mainly express anger and anxiety, they can be divided into the types of attachment style anxiety and contradiction, and when people mainly express alienation and indifference, they can be divided into the types of anxiety avoidance (Ainsworthetal., 1978).
Although their styles are different, the two types of people express their innermost feelings about the fear of being abandoned, but their reactions are different. Especially for the evasive type, it is easy to think that she is really cold, but the evacuation behavior essentially makes up for the internal pain.
Anxiety type people often show anger/anxiety and alienation when they communicate with their partners when they grow up. For example, people who are restless and contradictory may not love me if they ask their lovers to send email calls in seconds, inform them of their whereabouts every day, and prohibit them from interacting with other members of the opposite sex.
In violation of these expectations, this type of person shows great anger and anxiety. Contradictory people rely on this reaction to get the other party’s concern and care, and ease their sense of insecurity. When faced with similar situations, evasive people tend to show more alienation and hide their fear of relationship breakdown by avoiding, ignoring, cold war, etc.
The influence of anxiety attachment on adult intimate relationship is that we often express secondary feelings (anger/anxiety, alienation/indifference) in the relationship. The intention of these feelings is to show that the original feelings of the soul are taken care of, but from the partner’s standpoint, we will be disturbed by the exposed secondary feelings, causing misunderstanding.
For people with anxiety attachment, their partners are often confused with each other. They feel that their partners are very sensitive, trigger small things, and react disproportionately to the things themselves. Or, the other person looks cold, neglects himself, or encounters contradictory problems and wraps himself up like a hedgehog.
How can love last? What are the precautions for falling in love? Therefore, your deepest feelings worry about being abandoned, but the secondary feelings you show make your partner possessive, like to do superfluous things, lack trust or reject others. Because we don’t know the real motives of these behaviors, what partners really do is not a way to appease your worries, but to react to the secondary feelings you express.
If both are anxious attachment type, the situation may be further deteriorated. If one party feels fear, shows anger/uneasiness and alienation, it will induce the other party’s fear and show the same secondary feelings. In particular, when one party is contradictory and the other party is evasive, the common scene of avoiding approaching in the marital relationship will occur: one party continues to protest against approaching courtship, and the other party continues to escape evacuation rejection.
To seek professional help, EFT and family system therapy and other schools, you must be a counselor who is good at husband and wife relationship. It should be emphasized here that attachment style may affect your intimate relationship in adulthood, but it does not completely determine your future. A person’s life attachment style has a lot of space to rebuild. Investing time and money in rebuilding their own attachment style is very helpful to improve the life happiness index.
Another important point of attachment style is that there are no perfect parents in the world.
If you cannot seek professional assistance for the time being, you can only adjust yourself. First of all, tell us that this process will be a small project, which requires patience and perseverance. After all, it is not an overnight thing to change habits in two or three decades.
The most important prerequisite for the self-regulation of personality, emotional model and behavior is the reflection of self cognition. People like to condemn and condemn others when facing problems. I think the main work on this issue is to do it yourself.
You know your own problems, how to form them, what kind of habitual reactions you have, and can definitely change them. If you think you are a person with anxiety personality, and you are not satisfied with this situation, you may need to carefully study this problem first to understand the attachment style theory more deeply.
What must be introspected is that the expression of anger/uneasiness and alienation is essentially to appease oneself and not face the fear of abandonment. But do these expressions really serve the purpose of appeasement? Is there a better choice?
Divide a piece of paper into two parts. On the left, list the scenes that are likely to cause anxiety attachment. In these scenes, list your feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Then on the right, list the ideal situations. The best thing is that you can soothe the fear of abandonment, which is also the most relevant result. Is the left part really connected with the right part?
For example, there is a boyfriend’s email on the left. If he is suspected of being with other girls, he will complain or quarrel on the phone. This kind of behavior can let your partner know your worries. Will he be willing to comfort you and respond positively?
Anger and anxiety can often pay more attention to themselves now, but in the long run, this kind of mandatory request is not conducive to the formation of an intimate and sensitive response mode between the two sides. It seems that all intimate behaviors have completed their tasks.
For many anxious attachments, the expression of emotional appeal cannot satisfy the language. It’s another thing to be accepted by others. Not only did they not appease each other, but they also destroyed their feelings and trust and intensified the conflict.
